Chapter 8: How roses grow and honey is produced.

In my previous chapter I speak of toxic people, and how to effectively deal with them.

I view my life through a mirror, whatever I notice in others I also check myself as well. I strive to make changes to my behavior and even grow from my mistakes and the mistakes others. This is how we grow as individuals.

I originally wanted to write a chapter on how to identify toxic people in our lives. However, I felt it was necessary to introduce this additional component, which is self-reflection and awareness first. I saw the need for this topic to be discussed, as most people I have found on the self-improvement train take one of three common paths. My goal is to inspire others to grow and become the best possible version of themselves. This is a passion close to my heart. I can see why people become lost, and that is why we will be discussing how to grow today while dealing with harmful or toxic people, without becoming one ourselves.

Path 1: The megaphone rock star

You may have noticed these people, they are loud, they are obnoxious, and they seem to have an opinion about everyone all the time. They tend to take it beyond merely walking out a positive lifestyle. They take good advice and run with it, even if sound, and misuse it.

They will be in your face about how to live, they will call out toxic behavior. They will get offended by you simply not being aware of their own world view and for how they perceive you. I had met a friend like that. He means well, however, the way he comes across seems to do more harm than good. They take self-love, acceptance, and tolerance to an extreme. These are the people who will lecture others for a simple mistake of accidentally addressing someone by the wrong pronoun or demand to be accepted while putting others down for not being as evolved as they are. When they handle conflict, it is forceful as if they are bulldozing their way to the resolution. To them having an opinion other than one from their definition of political correctness, is an offense worse than murder.

Path 2: The above, but yet bellow.

These people, are great, they have ethical values, and they hold themselves to a high standard. However, when faced with a problem or someone they judge as toxic, they tend to beef their own self-image up and tear the other person down.

I recently ran into someone who was working at a sandwich shop like this. They had a conflict with me, regarding something that happened several months ago, and I was not aware I had even bothered them. They had never stated something was even wrong. While they were mature enough to establish a boundary, they did so in a way that was meant to tear down rather than one out of respect. Then he proceeded to praise himself for how he "handled" the situation, and protected the company's image he worked for. When confronted with his attitude he proceeded to tell me he was kind and I had the problem.

Here's a bit of a news flash, yes setting a boundary is excellent, but you also need to know how to set one, without making it about you being better than the other person as boundaries are about respect.

These type of people handle conflict, by highlighting how the other person is inferior to them, rather than inviting them to an equal level. This is great as it shows they know what must be done for their own self-respect, however at the same time they don't see how their negativity is affecting the situation and making it worse.

Path 3: The Honey Pourer of Moderation.

When you pour honey, you use a small amount. You ensure it is just right in your morning oatmeal. You don't go overboard, and you don't shame the hot cereal for not being sweet enough on its own. You instead understand the situation needs a bit of sweetness. Well, this is what a honey pourer does. The honey pourer understands boundaries need to established and do so without putting the other person down. They do not push their weight around, about their expected need to be respected and treated with dignity. They understand that not everyone is at their level yet. They do not demand boundaries without letting the other person know, then becoming slighted for it being breached. Instead, they are gentle, nurturing and sweet. They handle conflict, in a humanizing manner, helping others to grow. They understand toxic people, are toxic by their actions towards only them. They know a situation sometimes is caused by both parties involved. They also see the conflict as a way to grow and improve.

Take this route, as it is best for you and those around you. :)

Conclusion: We are all human.

I want you to read that line again, we are ALL human. Developing healthy ways of socially interacting and improving one's self takes time. It is beautiful that people want to be healthier, more socially aware, and willing to improve themselves. Just ensure you don't become toxic in the process while gaining your new skills. Check in with your self, and understand that having a harmful or toxic trait does not make you a wrong person, it makes you human. That is why you are on this journey in the first place.